Subway Me

Friday, October 22, 2010

I try to spend as little time as possible on the subway, but with winter fast approaching I have no choice but to throw down $27 to the MTA once a week and hop on. My favorite, and probably only good thing about the train is the fact that I get no cell service and for however many minutes, I can be completely alone (sometimes alone, sometimes lonely). Just me and the rest of the B train's morning commuters. Except the one time my phone rang, and I carried on a conversation in between two stations while people looked on in pure shock and envy. One passenger sauntered over to me, "My GOODNESS! WHAT service do you have?"


"Verizon," I said.

A look of defeat. "Oh, wow. That's so great you get service on the train. I have T Mobile."

"No it's not! This is my personal quiet time! I don't want people calling and talking to me while I'm on the subway."

"Oh..sorry, didn't mean to impose on your quiet time. I will leave you alone."

As amusing as that conversation was, it's a rarity and there has to be something else to do during the endless stops and starts of the train. My favorite game to play? Ring hunt. It's a simple game. How many people standing around you are engaged and/or married? After months of careful analysis, you will begin to notice not very many New Yorkers are engaged. Almost always, the tourists (and you know they're tourists by the obligatory map they are clutching in their hand while holding on to the nearest pole as their knuckles turn white) are wearing wedding rings. Something about not living in this crazy madness that is New York City makes you more desirable perhaps. Or maybe the sole fact that they are wearing a ring makes them the crazy ones. I can't have all the answers, guys.

Every so often I spot what I like to call The Deal Closer. You know what I'm talking about. The rings that are so large and shiny and glittery and just all around gorgeous that you know there is no way the woman could have possibly said no when presented with a rock like that. I relish in those moments, in the confirmation that rings like that exist in Manhattan. And not just in the window at Tiffanys, but on real live human beings. But then there are The Deal Breakers. The rings that are so tiny, or scream CUBIC ZIRCONIA you know the thought "That's it? I don't have to say yes, right?" at least ran through that person's mind.

At any rate, playing Ring Hunt on the subway in New York is like looking for Elvis some mornings. It doesn't do too much for the confidence boost that there is love to be had in Manhattan, but it, like many other things in this city, helps the time pass when you're lonely.


Benefit Me

Monday, October 4, 2010

I went to an event the other night. Not just any event, but Tony Bennett's gala for the arts. Yes, the one and only. When I walked in, I couldn't help but think this was exactly the type of place designed to keep people like me out. Cipriani Wall Street. Red carpeted entry way. High ceilings, beautifully designed architecture. Ornate decorations. Money draped over every table, oozing out of every dish, glass and spoon. And there I was, wearing my $24.99 black lace cocktail dress. My mother told me to act like you belong and you will, so I did my best.


I looked around and took note of the men and women hanging on every word of whatever CEO was speaking. My first thought? Man, that lady's left shoe probably cost more than my entire paycheck. My second thought? Boy, I hope I don't do anything to embarrass myself. I tried on the lifestyle for a moment. You know the kind, you're married to a top executive at some finance firm who donated to Tony's charity, and you have to go to yet another benefit tonight, when all you really want to do is watch Real Housewives of NY because your best friend is going to be on tonight. You are bothered by the fact that you had to purchase a new dress from Bergdorf again because you can't risk seeing your husband's boss' wife in the same dress you wore last month. Life's tough, you know? "I might like to live this life," I thought to myself. I imagined myself calling friends who were not really my friends "dahhling," and sipping wine I cannot pronounce while prominently showcasing my huge diamond engagement ring I just landed last month from my financial executive boyfriend. Hey, there are worse things to be in life, and this is New York's high society after all, the cream of the crop! Oh, how I would love to be one of these ladies.

I was snapped back to the present when I heard a boom and a crash and saw one of these woman, flat on her back on the floor, missing her chair by just an inch. Back to my second thought and boy, was I glad that was not me! So what if my $12.99 black pumps don't even cost as much as one acrylic nail on her forefinger? At least my shoes don't fail me when I'm sitting down after giving the Tony Bennett a standing ovation. I got the feeling that not only was she mortified, but that her husband seemed just a bit angry because she embarrassed him. And so, I realized that life is not one cut out for me, because not only am I clumsy, but to waste my God given talent of finding a good bargain and wearing a cheap dress to a fancy arts gala and making it look like I (and my dress, of course) belonged would be just plain silly.

Ah, well, Mr. Bennett said it best, didn't he? The Best is Yet to Come...



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